How to Start Conversations with New People

Talking to new people. You either like it, or you don’t.

But here’s the thing — the reason to persist in random chatter: Even minimal social interaction boosts our moods. Psychologists assure us that introverts and extroverts alike are social beings. While introverts may worry more in advance of a social event, according to Gillian Sandstrom PhD, a psychology lecturer at the University of Essex, studies show no difference in the self-reported benefits from chatting.

 

A natural conversation starter 

My dad got a kick out of talking to strangers. At social events of any kind, you could always find him talking to someone he’d just met. After his chats, he’d share curious tidbits. At a party at my house: “Did you know your neighbor built his own beehive and sold honey all over the state of Illinois?” On a bench at a flea market in another state: “That woman’s dad grew up three miles north of where I lived as a kid.” He was a connector — with a passion for foraging for the six degrees of separation.

Although an introvert, I too enjoy starting conversations with new people. In fact, I’ve often wished I’d kept a journal of the people I’ve met in my life … and never seen again.

I also wish I had a record of the ways people have started conversations with me. At a reception on a recent trip to West Virginia, a gentleman approached commenting that my curly hair looked just like his daughter-in-law’s. A woman came over and told me she had made the cherry pie I was eating with cherries from her own tree. Honestly, I’m not sure I started any conversations there. But I was an enthusiastic participant. And that’s important too.

 

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Starting conversations with new people doesn't always work out

Not all conversations with new people will go smoothly. You may end up doing an awkward back step when the person is unresponsive. You may end up with someone who prefers to do most of the talking. But for the most part, breaking the ice leads to interesting conversations and new connections.

 

Here are some tips for meeting new people and starting conversations.

1. Smile and be approachable. Looking friendly is a great start when you come into a room where you don’t know anyone. Smile. Keep your head up. If you’re not a naturally smiley person, at least wipe away the grimace. An expression that puts people at ease lets them know that it’s “safe” to start a conversation with you.

2. Have some go-to conversation starters. Introducing yourself is one easy way to start a conversation. Look for an individual standing alone or with another person with whom they aren’t deeply engaged in conversation. Draw the other person in with a question? “Hi, I’m Minerva, I’m Bill’s niece. Are you from Charles Town?” This will enable the person to easily jump in. After a couple minutes, it’ll be time to break away and you can suggest that you’re heading off to check out the dessert table and make your exit.

3. For professional events, have a prepared introduction. Who you are? Keep your elevator pitch brief and upbeat. Describe your work succinctly—10 seconds is a good starting point—and it leaves you with plenty of material to add when/if you’re asked as a conversation develops.

4. Speak slowly. People understand you better when you talk slowly.

5. Be brief. No one wants to be trapped in a conversation with someone who doesn’t stop talking. Don’t speak longer than 30 seconds at a turn.

6. Be confident, but avoid bragging. You’re not trying to convince anyone you’re awesome. You’re just trying to learn more about the other person.

7. Ask questions. Questions are a great way to get other people talking. Light, stock questions about their city or work are great for this. Ask about their trip to the event, an article of clothing they’re wearing, the traffic, memories from previous events ….

8. Go off-script. Those basic, stock questions (what do you do, where do you live) may be comfortable for everyone in the conversation, but they can be boring. Consider questions or statements that make your conversation partner think.

9. End the conversation. Exiting a conversation with a stranger (unless you’ve found your soul mate) after 5 or 10 minutes is appropriate. You can do this gracefully, by simply repeating the person’s name and telling them how nice it was to talk with them. You’re headed off to say hello to a few other folks here, and you’ll hope to run into them later or simply wish them a good day.

Related reading: First Impressions and Why Small Talk Is Such a Big Deal

For many of us, starting conversations with strangers doesn’t happen naturally. But once you master it, you’ll find it’s incredibly interesting. People are mostly diverse, witty and interesting … and totally worth the effort.

 

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