Dealing with a Narcissist at Work? Try the “Gray Rock” Approach

Narcissistic personalities in the workplace are a pressing concern; a Google search for “How to deal with a narcissistic colleague” returns almost 600,000 results. One suggestion from some mental health professionals: Don’t try to deal with them. Instead, focus on not dealing with them unless absolutely necessary — and even then, give them as little energy as possible.

Proponents call it the “gray rock” approach — a strategy of being so uninteresting to a narcissistic tormentor that they give up and go away.

Manipulation, Politics and Positioning: How Narcissists Thrive in the Workplace

In an ideal world, people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) — or narcissistic traits arising from other conditions — would be self-aware enough to seek help. In an ideal workplace, people who constantly antagonize, belittle, undermine and manipulate others for fun would be out the door sooner rather than later. Unfortunately, neither of those ideal scenarios represents reality.

NPD is difficult — and expensive — to treat effectively, and its traits can make someone with the condition a natural at office politics.

This sort of toxic colleague can excel at showing two faces — one to their victims and one to their higher-ups. They’re good at framing emotional harassment as “just a joke” and equally adept at flattery and charm when dealing with superiors.

And if they’re high performers, especially in revenue-producing areas, supervisors and leaders might be reluctant to get rid of them — or even to consider complaints against them, if there’s no concrete evidence of emotional abuse.

Asking them to stop doesn’t help. Begging them to stop doesn’t help. Telling them to stop doesn’t help. Narcissistic personalities thrive on any attention they get, positive or negative, and they’ll do whatever it takes to get a rise out of you.

Even their “apologies” are designed to push your buttons — “I’m sorry you feel that way,” for example, or “I was just reacting to something you did.” If you’re not careful, you can find yourself feeling at fault for their actions.

“Gray Rock” Techniques: How to Starve a Narcissist of Your Attention

Proponents of the method advise applying these techniques:

• Minimize interactions and keep them as short as possible
• Avoid arguments; disengage if an interaction becomes heated
• Do not divulge personal or sensitive information
• Speak in a monotone; keep answers short (and if possible, noncommittal)
• Avoid asking the other person about themselves
• Unless an issue is clearly pressing, do not respond immediately to messages

It’s vital to note that applying the “gray rock” approach isn’t the same as ignoring your toxic colleague entirely. You still have to work with this person. The goal is to interact without engaging emotionally.

Also, do not let the other person know you’re using the “gray rock” method. This rewards them with the knowledge that they’ve gotten to you, and also positions your resolve as a challenge to be overcome.

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Want to know more? Check out Dealing with Toxic Employees: Eliminating Bad Behavior

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Risks to Consider when “Gray Rocking” a Narcissistic Colleague

1. Career repercussions if the narcissist is in a position of power

   “Gray rocking” a manager or supervisor can lead to retaliation — from a stalled career path, to being given all the unpleasant tasks in your department, to being forced out of your job either directly or indirectly. In this situation, the best strategy might be a graceful, nonconfrontational exit strategy.

2. Escalation in the early stages of applying the approach

   Narcissists don’t like being denied your emotional energy, and when they realize you’re not giving them what they want, they might escalate their efforts. They see the situation as a competition, and they’re determined to break you down and “win.” This can be draining, both physically and psychologically. If you sense escalation, especially if the other person shows signs of being vengeful, document every written communication and try to have any face-to-face dealings in front of witnesses.

3. Emotional manipulation: “love bombing” or “hoovering”

   The narcissistic colleague might suddenly switch from needling or belittling you to being friendly and outwardly supportive. This “love bombing” technique is an attempt to gain your trust — so that it can be exploited. “Hoovering,” on the other hand, is a ploy for your sympathy. The other person might invent a personal crisis, for example. This, for them, has the double benefit of putting them at the center of attention and playing on your natural empathy.

The “gray rock” approach isn’t a magic formula against the actions of a narcissistic co-worker. But used intentionally and consistently, it can be a helpful defense mechanism. And the more you make use of it, the better you’ll get at protecting yourself and your peace of mind.

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