Cope With the Secondhand Stress Around You

So, here we are … packed into our apartments, our condos, our spare rooms, our basements … along with our roommates, kids, spouses, parents, significant others, dogs, cats … and it’s getting crazy. We’re stressed.

And unfortunately, time and again, studies show that while stress isn’t all bad, it is contagious (and a vaccine will never be available). Scientists assure us that humans’ inclinations to get swept up in each other’s moods and stressors is hardwired inside brain cells called mirror neurons — giving us the desirable qualities of empathy and the ability to understand each other on an emotional level.

But we each have our own stress. (We don’t need emotional contagion.) So, how can we keep the stress of colleagues, family members, patients or customers from triggering our own stress reactions? How can we be supportive, but somehow insulate ourselves from a spouse who’s worried about losing her job? Or from a close co-worker who’s hit a rough patch and spends an inordinate amount of time venting to us each morning.

We’re all out of our elements right about now … and stress levels might be steadily rising where you are.

Try not to blame those around you. The stressed out individuals probably can’t help themselves.  And even if you’re fortunate, and your anxious co-worker or family member is suffering quietly — trying to keep most of her concerns to herself — you are not immune. Psychologists assure us that we are just as inclined to pick up on unintentional, nonverbal signals. 

So how do we deal with secondhand stress? Experts tell us it’s a lot like dealing with any stress.

Finding ways to regain some level of control helps us cope and makes us less susceptible to its effects.

Are you struggling with more stress than you can handle? Learn more at Handling Personality Clashes in the Workplace or How to Handle Emotions Under Pressure, two one-hour premium webcasts. Or check out one of our live, virtual events: The Conference for Women or Developing Your Emotional Intelligence.

Ways to cope with secondhand stress:

Our first natural inclination when we encounter a stressed-out individual is to put some distance between ourselves, suggests huffpost. But if that individual happens to be your boss, your spouse or a co-worker with whom you deal extensively, avoidance isn’t necessarily an option. So try these things instead:

1. Anticipate triggers and prepare. If the stress of one person in particular affects you, take a moment to consider what you’re feeling in these encounters. Identify patterns in the way you react and give thought to how to stay more aloof (if that response would serve you better). “Oh that must be so frustrating for you” is sympathetic yet non-participatory. (It signals you’re listening and supportive without offering advice.)  Also consider if the individual’s voiced concerns cause you to second-guess your own situations. Acknowledge your fears (to yourself) and consider if there are things you can proactively do to eliminate your own worries. (These concerns may actually give you a jump start on preparing for upcoming challenges.) 
2. Learn to relax. End the noise of an always-ranting co-worker or frustrated family member by plugging into your favorite music playlist after the encounter. It’s ok to be a little bit selfish, says inc.com. Learn to consciously breathe, slowing your heart rate and keeping yourself relaxed and in control so you can make good decisions and maintain perspective. Remind yourself that the person’s issues have nothing to do with you, suggests shape.com. This reminder will help make your brain less likely to mimic their stress.
3. Set better boundaries and limits with challenging people. If the stressed individual is someone you can set boundaries with (such as a colleague or friend) rather than avoid them, gently talk to the person and let him know the effect his behavior is having on you or your group, using “I” language. Learn to gracefully remove yourself from conversations without seeming insensitive. Don’t join in conversations where you can simply listen instead.
4. Identify when to help and when to step away. You are not a crutch, suggests telegraph.co.uk. If a co-worker is temporarily overly burdened or worried and your help will enable them to catch up or relieve pressure, jumping in seems logical and most of us would be inclined to do that. However, it’s harder to be sympathetic if their frustration is continual or stems from a lack of planning or ability. “Would you like me to check in with our boss to see if he’s okay with my helping you out?” keeps your boss (and co-worker) in the loop if you’ve decided to offer temporary assistance.
5. It’s ok to rehash.  We can learn from stress, so don’t worry if you’re ruminating or rehashing an encounter in your mind. This can be helpful if you’re trying to consider better responses or actions in the future. In fact, it’s how we learn.
6. Spread positivity.

• Strong social networks make us happier and more resilient. If all your favorite colleagues or customers are at home now, email or text them “hello.” Or pick up the phone. This can not only help cut our own stress, but is also good for business, suggests greatest.com.
• Begin conversations positively. Your complaining can start a ripple effect, so consider ways to begin that help others stay positive.
• If the stressed person is a friend or someone with whom you work closely, allowing them to vent can help them relieve stress. You’re the judge on how available you want to be for these confidences, and it will be up to you to draw the line.
• Don’t engage with negativity whenever possible. Acknowledge these topics and move on to things you look forward to.

It’s not necessary to eliminate all stress from our lives. Stress can energize us to action. But if you’re dealing with more secondhand stress than you’d like, deal with it like any stress. Find ways to regain control of the situation — whether that’s occasionally helping out an overwhelmed colleague, learning to set better limits or forging ahead by simply maintaining your own sunny disposition.