4 Ways to Be More Assertive Without Being Aggressive or a Pushover

Have you ever felt taken advantage of but didn’t say anything? Maybe one (or all) of these situations will feel familiar:

 

Your disorganized (but nice) colleague regularly asks you to pitch in at the last minute because she’s running late on a project; You notice she consistently has time for an hour-and-a-half lunch.

A painter you’ve hired is falling way behind and even though the agreed upon finish date has passed and you’ve brought this to his attention, he still doesn’t show up consistently.

An old friend keeps calling you to complain about another mutual friend and you’re tired of participating but you’re hesitant to just come right out and ask her to stop.

 

Many of us strive for tolerance. We bite our tongues. We overlook. We accept. And, of course, this is often the right choice. But where’s the line?

When do you become a pushover? When does your continued “acceptance” of the treatment turn into frustration and anger? If you’re the boss, when does your “letting things slide” for one worker begin to appear as favoritism or impact your department? One simple question to consider when you're contemplating your next move: "What will happen if you don't say something?"

 

Assertiveness is rare and fluctuating

If you struggle to speak up, you’re not alone. There’s no real count of how many people are effectively assertive, but psychologists tell us it’s rare.

It’s easy to understand the lack of data. Assertiveness is somewhat subjective to begin with and even in one individual, it can vary by situation, making it difficult to measure. It’s also true that many of us find it easier to speak up on someone else’s behalf — a child, spouse, or aging parent — than for ourselves.  Additionally, assertiveness norms vary by culture and even geographically within the U.S., according to Psychology & Neuroscience.

One study does put a number to the assertiveness shortfall in the business world. In a 2007 study, participants’ were asked about perceived weaknesses in leaders and managers. Nearly half of study participants’ descriptions of the worst leaders included some reference to assertiveness — more prevalent than any other dimension. Both too much and too little were cited, with unassertive leaders tending to be perceived as ineffective because they couldn’t get things done and with overly aggressive leaders perceived as equally ineffective because of their inability to get along with others.

 

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Fear of confrontation turns us into avoiders

Fear of confrontation causes many of us to avoid being assertive. The possibilities for this hesitation are endless: We don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, we don’t want to look selfish, we don’t want to be disliked, we don’t want to look mean or aggressive. But mostly, we just don’t know what to say to keep these things from happening.

As you consider your own assertive approach, keep your emotional state in mind. If you’ve waited a little longer than you should have to speak up, you might have let your emotions build. If you boil over when you finally do decide to talk to the other person, you risk being aggressive, rather than assertive.

The psychology community warns us that assertiveness is sometimes confused with aggressiveness. But there’s a difference between speaking up for yourself in a respectful manner and demanding what you want in a tough, uncompromising way.

 

Plan your assertive conversation

Being assertive means behaving in a way that is most likely to achieve your purpose. To do it right, you should plan the conversation — even rehearse if needed.

Successfully assertive people have a repertoire of ways of acting assertively depending on the circumstances. Here are four different ways to get started (using the scenarios above) from the University of Texas’ Counseling and Mental Health Center:

1. Basic Assertion – This is a straightforward statement of our beliefs, feelings or opinions. Use “I feel,” or “I want” statements, as “you” statements can sound accusatory.

Example: “Jim the painter, I’m disappointed that you’ve missed our October 1 finish date. I need the work completed this week.”  (This might be your approach the first time you talk with Jim.)

2. Empathic Assertion – Conveys sensitivity to the other person by first recognizing their situation, followed by a statement about your own needs. Recognizing how the other person feels is often disarming and helps them hear what you have to say.

Example: “Betty the nice co-worker, I know you’ve been feeling overwhelmed by your workload. I’ve got a lot on my plate as well. I won’t be able to help you this time.”  (No need to mention the long lunches.)

3. Escalating Assertion – Can be used when the other person doesn’t respond to your basic assertion and you need to be more firm. It could include a resulting action. Sometimes including a consequence if the other person doesn’t change their behavior can help them realize their mistake.

Example: “Jim the painter, we agreed this job would be finished two weeks ago. You haven’t been showing up and if you’re not finished by the end of the week, I’ll need to find a new painter since you’ve broken our contract.” (This approach might be needed on a subsequent chat with Jim.)

4. I-Language Assertion – Useful for expressing negative feelings. Follows this format: “when you do ____, I feel____. I’d prefer ______.”  The emphasis should be on what you feel and want rather than blaming the other person.

Example: “Old friend Suzie, when you talk to me about Debbie, I feel bad. I enjoy hearing from you, but I’d rather not discuss Debbie anymore because she’s our friend.”

 

Be objective as you decide what to assertively do

Objectivity is key when you’re deciding your next assertive move. Consider whether the situation is temporary, whether there are extenuating circumstances, whether tolerance might be the right solution initially. Consider your part in the situation too. Have you contributed in some way?

And go back to that question: “What will happen if you don’t say something?” When you feel you’re being taken advantage of, it can make you angry. Don’t wait too long before you assess the situation and calmly and respectfully speak up.

 

Need more assertiveness techniques? Read: 7 Ways to Become More Assertive so You’re Less Stressed

 

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