11 Assertiveness Tips for Nice People

Some of the nicest people I know struggle with assertiveness. And yes, looking out for number one and putting your foot down when someone is asking too much can feel a little selfish. But if you think of assertiveness as simply communicating and compromising, you might find it’s right in a nice person’s wheelhouse.

Nice people are used to pitching in, doing their share plus some, and are sensitive to other people’s feelings. If you’re one of these nice people, when asked to help out, you probably volunteer readily. When asked to give, you donate.

But even nice people have limits.

Your desire to put others first and hesitancy to set limits or express needs can put you in jeopardy of being taken advantage of. And when that happens, nice people like you can become a bit resentful. Because even though you didn’t really ask for anything in return, there’s sometimes an expectation of fairness and appreciation. Those unstated expectations are where the trouble comes. And that’s why assertiveness skills are so important for everyone.

Want to learn more about assertiveness? Check out our live, virtual 3-hour seminar: Assertiveness Skills for Managers & Supervisors.

How to be flexibly assertive and bend with the circumstances

Every situation and person is different so we need flexible assertiveness.

We all know people who are pushy, domineering or aggressive. They appear to put their interests above the interests of others and consequently have trouble getting along with people. With these types of people you need to use a firm, confident approach when it comes to assertiveness.

For others, simply mentioning what you need or setting your limits will have them apologizing profusely for not being more astute and fair.

Recognizing that one size does not fit all when it comes to assertiveness, let’s look at some tips.

How to be assertive and nice at the same time:

1. Practice assertiveness. If you often say “I don’t care” or “it doesn’t matter to me” when asked what you want, stop. Practice expressing your opinion on little things that don’t matter. Practice asking for things to build your comfort level. “Could you save me a seat?” “Does anyone have an extra pen?” Practice saying “no” to the person who asks to cut in line in front of you.

2. Use “I” statements. Saying “I think” or “I don’t agree” sounds less accusatory than “You’re wrong” or “You need to do your share of the work.”

3. Focus on specific behavior rather than making it personal. If you’re unhappy with something someone is doing, steer clear of overarching generalizations about their character. Instead, focus on specific behavior at a specific time.

4. Say “no” cushioned with a compliment. If you don’t want to do something or don’t have time, saying “no” is important. But it doesn’t have to be blunt. “I’m so glad you thought of me for this, but unfortunately I’ll be helping with the conference all next week.”  

5. Have one consistent message. If you’re dealing with someone manipulative who’s preying on your guilt or being overly pushy, repeat your message clearly and as often as you need to.

6. Don’t be apologetic or self-effacing. Don’t preface your point by saying “I’m terribly sorry, but…” or “It might just be me, but…”

7. Look confident. Good posture and eye contact help you appear more assertive. Make your facial expressions neutral or positive. Don’t make dramatic gestures or wring your hands.

8. Speak calmly. Assertiveness is not the same as conflict. You nicely state what you need or what’s concerning you. Breathe slowly and keep your voice steady but relaxed. If you’re feeling emotional, wait a bit to have the conversation.

9. Consider the feelings and opinions of others. Nice people have loads of empathy. So, use it. “I know you’re overloaded and stressed, but I can’t help you out this week.”

10. Explore other solutions or compromise. Compromise is sometimes necessary even when you’re being assertive. Be willing to work toward a resolution that’s acceptable to everyone concerned.

11. Be brave when you head into a conversation. You can’t know how the other person will respond when you speak up for yourself, so you’ve got to approach each situation courageously.

Being assertive and being nice are not at odds. Assertiveness enables nice people to say the things they need to say to keep them from becoming angry or resentful later on. Learn to say “no” with a smile. Ask for what you need from others in a calm, agreeable non-rude way. It’ll take some practice, but it’s a skill worth having.